January 05, 2003

How lovely are thy branches

Lessons learned by a pyromaniacal jew this post-holiday season:

  • Christmas trees do, in fact, burn well

  • But only briefly ... the needles burn off like they're covered in hairspray, the rest of the tree stays behind

  • Trees with a little tinsel left on them are preferable. The tinsel goes off like a string of firecrackers

  • Trees with ornaments should be avoided. They will probably blind you with exploding shrapnel

  • Trees with the angel still on top ... man, even jews find that too angsty

  • If you want to toast marshmellows over a burning christmas tree, be quick. Also be ready for turpentine flavored smores

  • Lighter fluid ... really just overkill

  • If you run out of christmas trees, trying to substitute various leafy trees will not work. Walk away gracefully

  • People who water their christmas trees are no fun

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