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August 01, 2004

Modern Miracle

jew-paySick of being bald? To cheap to buy a real hairpiece? Help has arrived!

Now you can own a homemade toupee in just 5 easy steps:



1. Find a friend with a thick head of hair. The thicker, the better. Take Eugene, for example. His hair is so thick he gets it cut every couple weeks ... with garden shears! (buh-dum-bum).



2. Next, go over to said hirsute friend's house when he's getting a trim. Try not to salivate as you watch all that luscious hair pile up on the floor (the spit would make the hair clumpy).



3. After the haircut is over, get a couple strips of wide, transparent tape. Packing tape is perfect. Duct tape, not so much.



4. Dredge the the strips of tape through the piled hair clippings.



5. You should now have a couple chia-esque strips of tape. Plop those suckers on your noggin and you can hold your head up high from now on!


8 comments:

Chester said...

I haven't verified it with my staff yet, but I think...no, I'm quite sure that's the most disgusting thing I've seen in the past 36 hours.

P.S. Next time, try Elmer's glue.

kimbalina said...

:O ... haha!

Gwynneth said...

you look better bald. although, if you really decided to get new hair, try a different color for fun or something.

Julie the Protestant said...

My dad used Vodka and Cheyenne Pepper. It didn't work, but I think it had a great palcebo effect on his psyche.

Hey, I'm really conservative (Pro-Life, Pro-Gun, Pro-Government-getting-out-of-my-business) and I need people to argue with on my new blog, www.JulietheRightwinger.blogspot.com.

Jason Goldman said...

How are you going to use booze and seasoning to make a hairpiece? Why not just soak your gourd in a batch of Bloody Mary's?

Lane said...

Oh, Goldman.

My life seems so very far away as I lie in bed, sick, alternating between feeling like I'm going to die and feeling like shit, on the other side of the country.

You've brought a small piece of it back to me.

Thank you.

Jason Goldman said...

I'm glad the sight of me with hair had such a positive effect. That was the hardest part of deciding to shave it off in the first place ... my locks we're curing people of stuff all over the place, but the medical establishment was getting hella pissed.

Hope you feel all the way better soon and make it back home.

jason said...

That's a damn shame....

There needs to be an amendment to the patients bill of rights!

Together, we can make this happen.