January 01, 2005

Glory Days

I've nearly finished watching the Special Extended Edition of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (or SEELOTRROTK) - an appropriately long title for a ridiculously long movie.

One of things added in the extra footage is a bit more of the blossoming romance between Eowyn and Faramir - this comes after Eowyn is unceremonious dumped by Aragorn with the classic breakup line: "It is but a shadow that you love." A much better choice than "See, there's this elf ..." or, the more genre-approrpriate: "My head thou wont'st anoint-y / unless thine ears are all a-pointy."

So, good, Faramir and Eowyn. A natural couple, really, given what we know of the two ... Eowyn's got a thing for rangers and Faramir's been getting hand-me-downs all his life. But here's what I'm worried about. The kids.

Wayafar* son of Faramir: Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Faramir: Hey, Wayafar son of me.

Eowyn: How's school.

Way.: Great! We were learning about the War of the Rings today - the great war that ended the Third Age!

Eow.: Oh really? You know, your father and I were both in that war.

Way.: No way! Wait'll I tell Spencer! So what happened - did you guys get to fight orcs n' stuff?

Far.: Quite a few orcs, actually.

Eow.: Oh my, yes. (Giggles)

Way.: This is so cool! Tell me all about it.

Eow.: Well, let's see - it was all so long ago. Hmm. Well, I guess you could say that I rode out with the Rohirrim and met the forces of Sauron at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields.

Way.: You fought at the defense of Minas Tirith! Holy crap, Mom!

Eow.: Language! I didn't single-handedly bring down an oliphaunt that day just to raise a foul-mouth goblin for a son.

Way.: You slew an oliphaunt!

Eow.: Yep - turns out you can slay them by riding under their legs and striking at their ankles. Tricky, but effective. Anyway, that was nothing compared to the Nazgûl.

Way.: Did you fight the Nazgûl, too!

Eow.: Mmm, a little bit, yeah. Actually, I engaged in single combat with the Witch-king of Angmar, Lord of the Nazgûl.

Way.: Oh. My. God. What happened?!

Eow.: I chopped off the head of his winged mount and plunged my sword into his face. He, sorta, imploded. Or something. The details are a little fuzzy.

Way.: You've got to be the coolest Mom in all the world! I can't wait to go to school tomorrow. So, Dad, what did you do during the Doom of Our Time?

Far.: Um, yeah. Well, see ... I was, sort of, unconscious for most of the battle.

Way.: Unconscious, what happened?

Far.: Well, I was the sole survivor of a hopeless charge against the orcish hoardes at Osgiliath. I was, kind of, dragged back to safety by my horse.

Way.: Why did you go in the first place ... if you knew you were gonna get wiped out?

Far.: I thought it might make my Dad love me.

Way.: Did it work?

Far.: No, actually. As it turns out, he tried to burn me alive.

Way.: I see. (Pause) So, Mom - do you have any souvenirs from the battle!

Eow.: Hmm, I think so. Oh yes, that big doorstop over there? That's part of the flail wielded by the Witch-king.

Way.: Awesome! I'm totally taking this for show n' tell. (Exits)

Eow.: "No man can kill me," he says. (Giggles) What's wrong, Faramir?

Far.: Hmm ... oh nothing. I'm just gonna go downstairs. I really wanna finish that birdhouse.

Eow.: OK, dear. We're having dinner with Aragorn at 8 though. All this talk of the war ... won't it be fun to reminisce about old times. You know, I had quite the thing for him once.

Far.: Yes, I KNOW! Listen. I'll just be downstairs.

Eow.: Oh. OK.

* There's some question as to what name Faramir and Eowyn bestowed on their son. Their grandson is known as Barahir, but it's unclear whether he is the son of Elboron who is only mentioned once in The Heirs of Elendil. So bear that in mind when reading the above.


you know said...

i think i just saw you on tv

goldman said...

So my mother tells me. They shot some footage for 60 Minutes' story on Google up in Blogger HQ.